not-my-muse.org

Home, I miss

As my brother converses about his preparation to go to Singapore to further his studies, it suddenly hit me how I missed home.

I suppressed all my feelings of homesickness to toughen myself up, turning to studies as an excuse to spend time and forget the emotions. I became a study freak, concentrating only on getting good grades. Heck, I even forgot to call home this week, which is the first time I've not contacted my family.

I want to go home. Christmas and all other celebrations I can ignore, but the fact remains that home is where the heart is, and my heart is 16000 kilometres away back in Brunei.

I've played around with the idea of travelling back to Brunei during Easter break and perhaps stopping by a neighbouring country while doing so. It will cost me around 610 quid. Upon closer inspection, ticket prices are far cheaper if I just use Brunei as a transit. But by doing so, I am wasting my parents' money on other unnecessary things such as hotels, food and so forth.

Decisions, decisions. I honestly don't mind however my journey is going to be set out. But one thing's for sure, I miss my home more than anything else in the world. Thankfully I have my sister with me here in the UK. But me sticking so closely to relatives is definitely not helping. I'm quite far off from the Bruneian circle who always venture to Brunei Hall during any holidays. So far I've been there on two separate occasions, and spent my other holidays in Nottingham / Cambridge.

I'm going to Edinburgh soon and I'll be celebrating my New Year's there. I still probably wouldn't drink any booze or alcohol, as per usual, but the plan is totally different from what I've experienced before and so I'm looking forward to it.

After Edinburgh, school will begin and I wonder how my life would be this time. I'd have my three exam papers from the 11th to the 13th and I'm certain my revision quality for physics is still considered substandard. More like, completely insufficient to grant me an A*.

I don't want any more drama coming my way next year. I want to be friends again with my old roommate (who unfortunately still ignores me even though I've confronted her, reconciled with her, and made so much effort to bring our friendship back, even though she was the one who ignored me first). I want to build closer friendships with my seniors.

I want good grades. I want to get into a top ranking university that offers the course I'm after. I want to make my country, my parents and most importantly myself proud. I want to look in the mirror in future and see a person that was worthwhile. I want to be a person that is loved and accepted for who I am.

Excuse my rambling, but my emotions are getting the better of me lately. The white snow outside is telling me to clear my mind and to get back on the studying track.